13. Should You Separate the Personal and Professional? (What You Wish You Knew)

13. Should you separate the personal and professional?

Jette Stubbs: We're talking about the myth that success comes from hard work, and we're going to break down why that's not true and where it really comes from.

[00:00:07]And we're going to talk about the myth that we should separate our personal and professional lives and what we should really be doing instead, because it's not so black and white, it's not so one or the other. There's not this hard binary of  personal and professional life. You are one whole person.

[00:00:23] So how do you combine that together? And that includes understanding that you are not your situation. You are a human being, navigating your situation. And we're going to talk about that 

[00:00:35]we've already discussed how, even the quote unquote well educated among us were told lies and we were  not given the tools that we need to survive.

[00:00:48]But then we become adults and all of a sudden we are told we, yes, we, you and I are responsible for our success and failure, but we were never taught how to succeed or fail effectively.

[00:01:02]You're listening to the happy career formula 

[00:01:05] with Jette Stubbs 

[00:01:06] where we talk about how to find what you love to do and turn it into ways to make money, whether that's a job, freelance service or a business, so you can live life on your own terms. 

[00:01:18] today, we're talking about the idea of the myth that success comes from hard work. So think of someone you think of as successful, someone who you follow or think their work is amazing. Why do you think they are successful? Did they do any of the following 

[00:01:33] have higher education or degrees. 

[00:01:36] Lead people 

[00:01:37] make a lot of money 

[00:01:38] build a successful business.

[00:01:40] Did they do any of those four things? When you think about their success, do you think about how hard they work to get there? If you think the way I used to think. You may think about how hard it would be for you to do the same thing. The person who achieves great success becomes a great hero in our minds.

[00:02:00] They accomplished great things.  We look at them as an individual and say, well done. We may even be intimidated by them and afraid to speak to them freely because they are our quote unquote hero. Your hero probably did work hard, but is that why they are successful? I'm going to argue no hard work on its own cannot guarantee success.

[00:02:28]You can have  somebody who got their PhD, but is now only making $45,000 a year. They worked hard. Factory workers work hard. There are a lot of manual jobs and dirty jobs where people work hard physically every day. There are people who are working hard mentally, like people who are doing jobs or who get their PhDs.

[00:02:55] And there are people who are working hard mentally and physically and are exhausted at the end of their day. These people work hard. But if they don't make the change, I'm about to recommend, they may never achieve society's definition of success, or much, much more importantly, their own definition of success.

[00:03:14]   Similar to how education is a tool and not your path. Hard work is your tool and not your path. 

[00:03:23] I want you to think about it like this, 

[00:03:26] having higher education or degrees can also be described as learning from people who have done what you've done or similar things before you AKA the experts. 

[00:03:38] Reading books or self-education, which often make us look at somebody like they're a nerd or they're super smart can also be seen as learning from the people who've come before you. They just happened to re write those lessons down.

[00:03:51]Leading people. This is often a trademark of a lot of our heroes. Leading people is getting teams of people to expand your skills, time and effort beyond which you can do on your own to achieve your goal. 

[00:04:06]Making a lot of money is another factor that we often associate with successful people. But making a lot of money is all about convincing people also known as like clients or companies to pay you money because they trust you to solve their problems.

[00:04:22]Building a successful business. Maybe one of the factors you associate with a successful person, your hero, your idol.  Building a business is all about getting teams of people to expand your skills and effort to achieve your goal, while also convincing people to pay you because they trust you to solve their problem

[00:04:43]Every single one of the things we typically attribute to hard work has a lot more to do with building relationships, with people who know what you don't know, teammates, teams you lead experts, you who teach you people who have problems that need to be solved also known as your clients or your companies that you're working with or solving problems for.

[00:05:09] If you don't learn anything new or interact with new people, you will repeat the same thing over and over again, with the same results. If you don't learn what problems need to be solved. You'll sit there forever thinking what should I do with my life? Or what career should I have or when am I going to find or stumble on this amazing business idea?

[00:05:35] Because you can't have success without other people. Yes. You'll need to work hard. Yes. You need to experiment and persist, but more importantly, you'll need to fill your life with. These great people. If you want to create success for yourself, help others to achieve success. If you want to achieve your life goals, help others to achieve their life goals, help them solve their problems, help to take them from point a to point B.

[00:06:04] Napoleon Hill once said it is literally true that you can succeed best and quickest by helping others to succeed.

[00:06:12] If you want to build  that's a job or freelance service or a business, so you can succeed. It is literally true to create your own success best and quickest by helping others succeed. You achieve your career on life goals by helping others achieve their life goals.

[00:06:29] Famous people are known for quote unquote, leaving a legacy,  of their impact on other people's lives. So you can literally build your career or business by reaching out and helping people solve their problems. You will also need to reach out to people to help you solve your problems and meet your needs.

[00:06:48] As you're trying to improve your life. It's a transaction

[00:06:52]so are you someone that's afraid to ask for help? If you're afraid of building new relationships or asking for help. You can change the way you think about building relationships. If you think doing it on your own is the way to go. And it shows strength that's wrong, that's really, really wrong.

[00:07:16] And that way of thinking is forcing you to play it small in a big world. 

[00:07:21] Stop believing the idea of the self-built hero today.  Every definition we have of success is based on our interactions with people. 

[00:07:32] Stop trying to overcome obstacles on your own. Learn from people.

[00:07:37] Stop trying to find your job, freelance service or business idea on your own. Listen to people's needs. As you'll see through the lessons that I share with you. And right now I'm reading from the book that I'm working on. Clients are willing to tell you exactly what their problems are for you to solve.

[00:07:57] People are willing to share their skills, to help each other achieve goals. The way you will succeed is by creating win-win situations for the people around you. You will use the knowledge of the people around you and expose yourself to new people who can help you. This is building out the concept of that value transaction, where I help you and you help me, but maybe we're helping each other in different areas of our lives.

[00:08:24] Maybe I help you achieve your goal. You helped me by giving me money. I think go to somebody else to help me solve a problem that I have in my life. And then I give them some of the money that you gave me so I can solve the problem that I have in my life. And it becomes this transaction that is in theory with capitalism is supposed to be based off of.

[00:08:41]If you try to do it on your own or rely on your own talents, you are forcing yourself to play small and limiting your potential. 

[00:08:52] Michael Jordan once said talent wins games, but teamwork and intelligence wins championships. And  Ken Blanchard said none of us is as smart as all of us.

[00:09:05]So this is me starting to debunk the myth that success comes from hard work. 

[00:09:11]Let's talk about this idea that if you come from a history of not enough, you cannot be enough because that's one of the internal things that we have, right? When you want to go out and you want to build out this job, freelance service or business that you love this career that you love, how do you feel confident enough to make this happen?

[00:09:31]What if you come from a difficult life situation? Sometimes. And I had this belief too, and I had to have some friends check me and say  listen, you are not your situation. So let's talk about this myth. If you come from a history of not enough, you cannot be enough. This is not true. 

[00:09:53] Success is built on relationships with your clients, teams and network. Relationships are built on trust. Trust is built on vulnerability. Let go of the image we think we should portray of perfect lives. Allow yourself and everyone around you to let their guard down and engage in the most amazing of human experience for someone to see your flaws and choose to love you and connect with you anyhow. 

[00:10:30] You are about to stop hiding who you are. You will start to walk into places and spaces as your whole self, without stripping off parts of your identity to fit in. 

[00:10:45] The first step is to start becoming comfortable talking about who you are, where you've been, and what you've been through. 

[00:10:53] The second step is to give others the freedom to do the same.

[00:10:58] You will convert your experiences and knowledge into a way to help others. You will start to see your negative experiences as new ways. You can add value because you've come through it or you are going through it. This is about how you can build relationships so you can succeed. But it's also about how to make your clients love you and make you love yourself.

[00:11:23] So start by answering this. What do you believe you can achieve in your life? I want you to really think about it as you hear that question. Did voices in your head quietly shout all your fears. My inner voice said, I don't know what I can achieve the first time I asked myself that question.

[00:11:44]Here's a quick test. Have you ever said I can't do that? Only to have someone correct you by saying, yes, you can. Or at least try it first. If your answer is yes, then like everyone, you have fears and self-doubts, you have a story about who you are and what you can do in your head. This story about who you are and your capabilities often comes from what you've experienced in life and what you've been told in life.

[00:12:17] When we limit ourselves and our potential, it's often coming from limited or negative experiences or the hurdles you've experienced in your life. Hurdles affect us subconsciously and change. What we see as our potential hurdles are what we feel we have to hide. You may feel like your options are limited, limited by society, life, circumstance, location in the world, education level by things you do not know by choices you made and choices made for you.

[00:12:50] Maybe you've had someone tell you you can't, you're not smart enough, or that's a ridiculous idea. Here's the thing you are not alone. Everyone has difficulties and hurdles in life. Yes, our hurdles are all different, but more than anything, we want to connect with each other. There are people out there who have been through things similar to you who can benefit from you sharing your story.

[00:13:17] We can connect on what we've been through our journey and hurdles in life. We want to feel less alone. 

[00:13:25] On the path to pursuing a career, you will need to know how to understand the needs of people and companies. And to start to build a relationship in new ways to achieve your goals. A successful career is built on solving problems for people or companies.

[00:13:42] For you to solve a problem for someone you need to know what problems they are facing. You need to know what problems they care about for you to know the problems in their lives. They must drop the facade of a perfect life and let their guard down to share their problems with you, for them to let their guard down.

[00:14:01] They have to trust you that you care and are trying to help them. We want to walk into places as our whole selves. We want to feel connected. We want to feel authentic,  but when:

[00:14:15] one you've experienced struggles 

[00:14:17] two: you've seen people around you struggle 

[00:14:20] three. You haven't seen anyone succeed.

[00:14:24] Four you've had people say you cannot succeed and don't waste your time. 

[00:14:30] Then on top of having real life obstacles, you start to believe that you cannot succeed. These beliefs become your mental roadblocks, your self limiting beliefs and your fears. The belief can be so deep and so unconscious that you aren't even aware of how it affects you.

[00:14:53] It can affect one the way you view yourself and your capabilities to how you make your decisions, view your options and your choices in life. Three, the amount of control and influence you believe you have over your situation. When you mix real life obstacles with people not believing in you and the lies you were told about how to pursue success, you end up with the belief that if you come from a history of not having enough, then you can never be enough

[00:15:30]I would love to help you discover how to escape the hurdles of your history. I would love to help you experience freedom from the past freedom, from anger, freedom from unresolved grief, freedom from regret, freedom from negative stories you were told about yourself and your life. Everyone has hurdles in life.

[00:15:51] You don't, you do not choose your hurdles. You do not choose to have more or less hurdles than others. You may have had advantages in your life, in some areas of your life and disadvantages in other areas of your life. There is a discomfort in knowing life is unfair. Depending on the area of your life.

[00:16:14] There are two sides to the coin. One, you had an advantage or two, you had disadvantages or hurdles. We don't choose where we were born, who our parents are, how wealthy our family is, how wealthy our country of birth is whether we saw healthy relationships modeled for us as kids or the education we have access to in our youth.

[00:16:38] As children, we grow from having very little control over our lives to having more control as adults, but we don't know what to do with that control or how best to use it, to make the most of every moment we have on earth,

[00:16:52]Jette Stubbs: we've already discussed how, even the quote unquote well educated among us were told lies and we were  not given the tools that we need to survive.

[00:17:05]But then we become adults and all of a sudden we are told we, yes, we, you and I are responsible for our success and failure, but we were never taught how to succeed or fail effectively. 

[00:17:19] Most of us were not taught how to survive and definitely not how to thrive in a capitalist society. The more hurdles you have in life the more you have to overcome to get to the starting place of someone who has an advantage, but you were given less tools. Okay. Before you say, where are you going with this Jette? What does this have to do with my career? I'm going to ask you to stay with me until the end. When I pull it all together.

[00:17:52] In the 2019 goalkeepers report by the Bill and Melinda Gates foundation titled examining inequality, how geography and gender stack the deck for or against you. Bill and Melinda Gates said, "if you think about life as a journey, every single disadvantage makes the journey harder. Our path forward has been relatively clear of obstacles for a girl born in this a hell.

[00:18:19] Jette Stubbs: One of the poorest regions in the world. Getting to a healthy, productive life requires overcoming hurdle. After hurdle after hurdle, we were born in a wealthy country to white well-off parents who lived in thriving communities and were able to send us to excellent schools. These factors, among many others, put us in a great position to be successful.

[00:18:43] There are billions of people on the other side of these dividing lines. However, for hundreds of millions of people around the world, hardship is all about guaranteed." end quote. When we look at someone, we don't see their struggles or hurdles, we look at where they are right now in life and the person and clothing they are wearing in front of us and blame the individual for their situation.

[00:19:12] You may remember something you were told as a child, don't judge a book by its cover. If this seems so simple that you want to roll your eyes at me, I understand remember an effective teacher takes a complex concept and makes it simple. So stay with me. When we look at each other, we look at each other as final products, final products of a journey.

[00:19:37] We know nothing about. We don't look at the hurdles. We've experienced. Think of the journey of our life as the pages of a book, the image we tried to portray to the world or how the world views us as our book cover. A lot of what I share is about opening other people's books or their life stories to read beyond the cover they present.

[00:20:01] You. To read pages of people's life stories in order to figure out what's really going on in their lives to help make others stories a little happier. We look at each other as though we are finished. We look at our book covers, but our stories are not finished. And often we look at our own stories, our own book covers and our lives with a much harsher criticism than we should.

[00:20:32] It can be difficult to overcome the hurdles you have in life. Instead of realizing that this is based on the tools and knowledge you have access to and how you were taught to pursue success, you start to believe the problem is you.

[00:20:48]You'll have unconscious beliefs about what you deserve and can achieve. You may have heard you get what you believe you deserve as a quote. But there's a reason you have those beliefs. People told you what you were capable of doing. You may have seen the people around you go through difficult situations.

[00:21:09] You were told a story about who you are, where you come from and where you can go stories that limit you. 

[00:21:18]Daniel Gilbert once said human beings are works in progress. That mistakenly think they're finished.

[00:21:25]Okay. Secret number 27. This is just number 27 in the book. Actually the number may change, but this myth is the idea that we should separate the personal and the professional. So I have a diagram in front of me. It's like an iceberg. You can Google these online, but basically at the top, there's the superficial stuff.

[00:21:46] So the thing that would point up at the tip of the iceberg, you have gender, race and ethnicity, age, visible disabilities  wealth and social status. And as you get further along, I'm listing things that go deeper and deeper along the iceberg education and religion, worldviews life goals, talent. The way we act when no one is watching non-visible disabilities, values, passion people we love, life experiences, trauma and difficult experiences, languages, relationship, status, like all of these things. I didn't quite do it from top to bottom, but if you can't tell it's an iceberg. So there are pieces above the iceberg that are the very top that are super easy to see. There's the part that's right below the water that you can kind of see. And then there's all of these things at the massive piece of this iceberg that are at the bottom. So typically with an iceberg, you just see the tip, but there's this whole monstrosity of an iceberg at the bottom. We see each other as the tip of the iceberg, above water, age, gender, race, and ethnicity, visible disability.

[00:22:55] These are the first things that we see when we meet someone before they even say a word to us. It's like seeing their book cover in the distance. If you stand at the tip of the iceberg and looked down, you may be able to see what's just below the water. Once we start to have conversations, we start to get an idea of who we are in a bit more detail.

[00:23:16] We start to uncover information about wealth, social status, career educational level, relationship, status languages, worldviews. This is like reading a book description and author description, like the opening chapters of our book. For a lot of us, this is where we still try to maintain the image of the perfect life.

[00:23:40] And haven't let our guard down yet. If you took a picture of the whole iceberg, you'd see what's underneath the water is way bigger and more complex than the little tip you see on top. The things we really want to connect on are things we can't easily see in the deep waters. These aspects would be like, Things like values the way we act when no one is watching life experiences, non-visible disabilities, passions, people.

[00:24:07] We love talents, secret fantasies and who we are authentically. It's not just you. Who wants to connect with life's hurdles, your clients, teammates, loved ones. Friends all want to be seen as human beings and be able to share their experiences. If you ever believe that you are not enough, I want you to remember:

[00:24:31] one. You are not your situation. You are a human being, navigating your situation.

[00:24:37] Two. Your beliefs and frames of reference for what you think are possible can limit what you believe is possible. You have to unlearn what is untrue and 

[00:24:47] three, I don't want you to focus solely on going forward. I want you to learn from people who have come before you. You unlearn lies and make choices for your future. Basically you're going to fail forward and it's going to achieve success. The more you stay stuck in this idea that, Hey, what if this doesn't happen?

[00:25:09] I may fail, or this may not work out, or I won't succeed in this. The more you're going to feel stuck. The more things are going to be really hard to like. You're the obstacle is the way the path of conflict and resistance that you are trying to avoid is the way to getting you, to expand your options by letting go of that fear of failure and realizing that what you consider failure is just taking that first step towards success by learning. By learning to do something new and doing something different. And yes, you can gather information. You can read books, you can learn from people that have come before you. And I absolutely advocate for that learning and education. And it does not need to be necessarily traditional education, but learn from the people who come before you, but don't forget to act and do things to step outside of your comfort zone.

[00:26:00] And what you consider as obstacle may be the path to you. Learning something new, doing something different, exploring something that could be a healthy new experience for you, having difficult conversations with people that you care about so that you can understand their problems better. And then can you take those lessons and share them with other people?

[00:26:19] And that can be part of what you do. I'm not an advocate of creating like a ton of coaches.  That's not what I'm trying to do here. What I'm trying to do is get you to see, can you be that marketing specialist that helps you help other people like sell themselves. Cause that's something that you're really good at doing.

[00:26:33] Can you be that person that teaches somebody how to salsa dance? Cause you found your passion through salsa dancing, but you've also found that it helps you process so much trauma that was in your body. And then now you start teaching somebody salsa dancing. Can you tell your story about how you've created transformation or change in your life?

[00:26:49] And now you're starting to learn how to solve that problem for other people. What can you do? But first you need to be able to go and open up the pages of other people's books. So that you can know their stories and you can understand how to solve their problems. People aren't going to feel comfortable talking to you fully until you start to open up your own book and share yourself with them.

[00:27:10] Vulnerability requires trust. Trust requires reciprocity. So take that lesson on forward to today. And I hope this Wednesday was not a hump day for you. I hope it was a good one.

[00:27:23] You're listening to the happy career formula 

[00:27:25] with Jette Stubbs 

[00:27:27] where we talk about how to find what you love to do and turn it into ways to make money, whether that's a job, freelance service or a business, so you can live life on your own terms. 

[00:27:38]this is a career and business podcast, but my two main goals for what I want to offer you are: one  the tools to build a career that aligns with who you are.

[00:27:49] So you can make money in a way that funds your life goals and the lifestyle that you want to build for yourself. Two, to have healthier relationships with yourself and others. 

[00:28:00] Because I think that if you have your financial resources together and you have good people around you, you can live a happier life.

[00:28:09] Subscribe and leave a review if you are enjoying the podcast.

[00:28:14] if you know somebody who you think may find this useful, please feel free to share it,

[00:28:19] with a friend.